Times change. Life passes you by, and whatever happens, whatever life throws at you along the way, at the end of the day it is your choice if you just let it to, or if you actually do live during the journey.
I learnt that in the last couple of months.
Being a beginner at your job, starting to work hard, in a different country, in a different languange is in itself not easy. Add two deaths to mourn to it. Than add a pandemie to it. Say that you’re not even allowed to see the loved ones that are left.
So, if you ever thought about where I, where my blog got lost, that’s where it was. Where I was.
Deep. In a place I don’t really like to talk about, where a comeback on your own is almost impossible from. A place where motivation is an unknown word.
But I did it.
I did it myself.
No, not on my blog.
In my own life, I mean.
I struggled for more than a year with my life, my choices, my motivation, and than at one time I just realised that it cannot go this way anymore.
I can change everything, it won’t bring anything when I won’t change the one most important thing.
The way I think.
My approach to it all..
So I did that.
First thing I did, was to get a cat. Best choice in my life, honestly.
See, I’ve always wanted a pet, so badly, ever since I was a little kid, but my parents wouldn’t allow me to have one, because we always lived in a small flat, so they persuaded me that it would be bad for the poor little thing.
Then at the beginning of this year, in March, in the middle of the corona pandemic, when there was nowhere to go, I had to take my two weeks holiday. We were at home. For two weeks we stared at each other with my husband, slowly going insane, nothing to do, nothing that we wanted to anyway, and then… I felt this unrepressable wanting for a kitty. Which was a bit strange, I’ll admit, since I’ve actually always wanted a dog. But it would be pretty complicated to manage in a flat, with two doctors in the house working shifts. So… a tiny cat it is. That’s what I need, I decided.
This was a completely instinctive decision, but it was the first tiny step on the way.
So, in June tiny little Trixi has arrived. Her real, full name, Bellatrix is rarely used, since she’s such a tiny little creature yet. She’s very easily become one of the very best things that have ever happened to me. She steals a little honest joy and deep, deep love to my otherwise tiring and grey everydays, and I’ll be eternal thankful for that.
Adopting Trixi started me on a way that’s leading to here, now.
After getting better a little because of her, I though, hey, I’m not okay, but I’m the maker of my life…so, I could probably help myself get better, because nobody from the outside can do that for me, even with the best of intentions. Not even my husband.
Than I thought, I’ve let myself go so much in the last couple of years. I have no stamina anymore. That’s not okay. Maybe, only maybe, getting a little fitter would help me be more positive.
So I decided to work out a little. Only here at home. Only a little bit, really. But regularly. Everyday, even when I have only ten minutes, just for the feeling. To get used to it.
Well, you have to know that I’ve come to this decision many times in my life – I’ve never been able to keep this resolution. I was never determined enough. So, even I was a bit skeptical at the beginning if I was gonna go through with it.
But I did. I’ve been doing this every single day for like two months now, and I still can’t believe it…
…but I do feel better. A lot better. I’m starting to heal. To be a normal person again.
So when it was about okay again, I decided to sing again.
I’m well aware that beside my job there’s no chance to do it in a choir, let alone a band, or something like these… it takes a bit from the whole enjoyment, still it’s awesome to let my voice out and just sing. Even if I do it only to myself.
So now, we’re at the next turning point.
I’ve started to read again.
I’m still not at the end – it’s a progress.
But here we are.
If you’re – miraculously – still here with me:
Welcome back! I missed you.
I missed you all.